An Excerpt From Guideline #3

An Excerpt From Guideline #3

Instant Attraction is Not a Good Thing
Or
Don’t Eat That Fried Twinkie With Chocolate Sauce!

I think we’ve all run into the person who believes in love at first sight and other Disney propaganda. Never mind that mutual love and respect can only come after you spend time getting to know each other. These people want Prince Charming to come along and magically sweep them off their feet, just as he did in the movies. In the real world, however, the five-minute Prince Charming always ends up being Prince Shallow. Here are some actual ads from a dating service, completely unedited:

“One look and you'll just know. It's so true isn't it?” (34 and never married)

“I'm a true believer in ‘the spark.’ I can tell within 5 minutes if I click with someone and that's all I look for. I'm very picky, but only because I don't like to waste anyone's time or my own. If I don't think there is chemistry from the start, I don't proceed.” (38 and never married)

“I’m not sure what I’m looking for, to be honest. I know that as soon as I meet him, we’ll know we were meant for each other.” (43 and never married)

As soon as she meets him, she’ll know that they were meant for each other. Think about that for a minute. Think of the pressure she’s putting on the first two minutes of that date. Can anyone survive that kind of scrutiny? What can you possibly learn or know about a person in ten minutes? Or one date? You wouldn’t pick a car in ten minutes so why would you pick a mate for life in ten minutes? Heck, think of all the times that you stumbled or didn’t have a good ten minutes in a conversation. Would you want your future to be judged on that? Yet it happens all the time in relationships.

When we meet someone of the opposite sex we usually put them in one of three categories – Yes, No, or Maybe. We all can find our No People in a lot less than ten minutes. Sleazy guys, liars, fakes, non-bathers, it’s easy to put them in the No category and nobody would argue with that. The ones that go right into the Yes category are usually the ones who have outstanding physical charms that appeal to us. It’s the Maybe category that I’m talking about. The person that might offer great possibilities if you give them a chance. What you need to do is not to move somebody from the Maybe category to the No category in ten minutes. Spend some more time in Maybeland and see how much fun it can be if you give it a chance.

The woman who takes the instant attraction route is dooming herself to failure. Often, attraction leads us to precisely the type of person we should avoid. The person seeking that “magic spark” is continually selecting only one type of man, and then complaining that all men are the same. Attraction is great and can lead to a lot of great, but meaningless, sex. Love, which is the basis of every solid relationship, is different from attraction. Love is based on deeper qualities than a person’s eye color, shoulder width, and initial pick-up line.

Instead of picking out a guy, think about picking out a house. You look at ten or fifteen houses and then one instantly grabs your eye. A five-minute walk-though shows off a nice interior, but doesn’t let you check out the basement. Do you immediately buy the house? Of course you don’t; you’re not an idiot. You check out the neighborhood, the price, the schools, and the utility bills. Then, you have a home inspection because you don’t know what might be hiding behind those freshly painted walls. You’re about to make a major investment so naturally you check it out thoroughly. You don’t want to waste any time or money and get stuck with a lemon.

But you’ll waste thousands of emotional dollars on dates because you are unable to be thorough, to look behind the initial impression when selecting potential partners. In fact, that initial impression becomes your guide for happiness. No spark, no follow-through. No chance to learn more about someone and no chance to learn more about yourself.

I’m not just speaking about appearance either, because I know that personality has a big influence on women’s initial attraction (men are another story). What grabs your attention is not always what holds your attention. And just because it grabs your attention doesn’t mean it’s worthwhile. It’s an axiom that you follow in every other area of life; why not follow it here too?