The Dating Blog

A Different Dating World
 

The Myth Of
Instant Attraction
 

Contact Information

          When most people ask for advice on their relationships they aren't really looking for honest advice or even useful advice. What they want is advice that tells them that what they are doing is fine and that it's either the other  person or society's fault. I think it's time for some realistic advice that might actually be useful if you have the courage to follow it. I encourage people to send their questions and stories to this website for good advice. All submissions will be kept confidential, but they may be mocked.

          Since this website is just starting out, I decided to take a different tact. The following question was sent to Dear Margo, the daughter of Ann Landers, for some bad advice. I'm presenting the problem, Margo's answer, and what her answer should have been.

            Original Question

     I am a 37-year-old woman who was divorced two years ago. My husband, the man I had been with since I was 21, no longer wanted to be married to me. I look quite young for my age, and most people mistake me for being in my 20s. I keep fit, am very successful in my career and have a youthful outlook on life. I've dated quite a bit since the divorce, mostly younger men. Since I wasn't initially looking to settle down, it was quite a lot of fun at the time. However, now I am serious about settling down and starting a family, as I am no spring chicken and do not have children from my first marriage.

     The problem is that I am attracted to -- and attract -- younger men (mostly 10 to 12 years younger). I know that some of these men are just playing the field, but some seem to be genuinely interested in a relationship. However, the age difference is a bit unsettling to me because I am not sure if it is feasible to think that a younger man can be seriously committed to a significantly older woman and settle down, including marriage and children. I know it sometimes works in Hollywood, but I am dealing with this in real life.

     What are your thoughts on the topic? I feel that deep down I should focus on men closer to my age, but honestly, I am attracted to the younger men because of their progressive outlook on life . . . and I also feel a younger man can give me my lost youth, so I can start fresh on a life that I would like to have with a partner.

Margo's Answer

     Attraction is hard-wired; it is just there. I do think, at your age, an older woman/younger man romance has a chance. Some men skew toward older women. Something I found jarring, however, was that one motivation here was to retrieve your "lost youth." That ain't never gonna happen, so I would hope you select a new partner for compatibility and character without pretending that his age is your age.

           Carl's Answer

     When your husband dumped you, it hurt you deeply (naturally). So you did what we all do when suffering the loss of a relationship - you went back to the previous time when you remember being happy with someone else. Instead of getting in touch with an old boyfriend, however, you're trying to pretend that you're still that young, carefree, happy girl of 21. Because you don't want to experience the extreme hurt of your divorce again, you magically find yourself attracted to men who are too young to want the commitment that subconsciously terrifies you. The "lost youth" that you idealize and want is one without commitment or responsibility, the very things you actually want and need.

     Attraction is what your brain is using to make you happy without getting hurt. Yes, it is wired inside you, but it doesn't have to dominate your life or your choices. Not all attractions are healthy or helpful and this is one of them. You're trying to use attraction to justify avoiding commitment and adulthood. It was fun for fun's sake, but if you want a real, serious relationship, the first thing you have to do is stop spending time with men who don't want that. The vast majority of 25-year old guys are not interesting in settling down and starting a family, especially with a woman 12 years older than them. If you keep dating much younger men, you're going to end up in a cycle of shallow relationships that don't lead to the deep, committed relationship you really want. In five years, you're going to be 42, single, and bitter and I'll most probably be fixed up with you.

     Try looking for and spending time with men who want the same things you want. Don't dismiss them immediately because you don't feel a "spark" or immediate attraction because those are based on superficial elements. Get to know some of the older men that you previously dismissed and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

HOME